thoughts on a rainy day...

It is a Friday afternoon, and I am sitting in a coffee shop in Tacoma watching a dreary day rain down its misty drops from the comfort of a cozy armchair. Rainy days were made for reading and writing, and so I have given this day to these pursuits. It has been several days since I have really gotten into the Word, and I have felt the loss of it. I speak of spiritual matters daily and even go to Bible studies and spend some time in prayer, but I find my heart grows cold when I neglect the Word and prayer that is led and impassioned by the reading of the Word. I feel the Spirit of God renewing me today. My mind is filled with thoughts and questions and revelations that I want to write. I have found writing is my release. My journal has listened well to my ramblings, but I find that its private pages cannot always contain what pours out of my heart and head. The Lord has been so good to me. As I look back at my life, I see His presence in nooks and crannies I hadn't even thought to search for Him. In the past months, the Lord has stirred my heart to cry out for humility, joy, spiritual power, and deep intimacy with Him. God held me so close in Capetown. He spoke to me and walked with me in such an intimate way, and I have earnestly prayed that He would continue that throughout my life. Many have told me to cherish that time because it is rare that God speaks so clearly and walks so closely in one's life, but I deny that. I claim that my Lord desires to walk closely with me and speak clearly in my heart and mind every moment of my life, and, in His power, I will pursue that intimacy as a lifestyle rather than a unique occurrence. My good Father has turned my mind to my childhood where I used to walk in the gardens of Capetown with Him. I would hold out my hand and know that I was walking with the Lord in our garden, and He has spoken to my heart that He was there with me in my youth. I think of Hosea.. the words with which God began this sweet journey... "Therefore, behold, I will allure her, and bring her into the wilderness, and speak tenderly to her... And there she shall answer as in the days of her youth, as at the time when she came out of the land of Egypt" Hosea 2:14-15. He brought me to the physical place where I enjoyed such intimacy with Him, and He again restored that intimate relationship that I felt so separated from for a time. As I write now, I feel almost overwhelmed by the spirit. I feel Him melting my heart and I rejoice. In Capetown, God brought me to such a place of contrition and brokenness before Him. I think it must have been what is meant by poverty of spirit. I believe this intimacy with Him came out of the humility of being made aware of my desperate, desperate, desperate need of Him. I have asked the Lord, how can I live in that state? How can I live in joy if I am to live in brokenness? So far, He has answered me that I do not need to pursue joy for it is simply a natural by-product of intimacy with Him. I think that is why He is filling me with His presence this moment.. to impress upon me that this unspeakable joy I feel now is a direct result of Him drawing me close into His presence. I am still working out what it looks like to live a life of contrition. What does it look like to live poor in spirit..for I think this is the means to a lifestyle of intimacy with the Father? 

Since being in Tacoma, and actually before moving here, God has been opening my eyes to so many things and teaching me and dialoguing with me. We have laughed together over my silly, prideful way of thinking. As I am presented with uncomfortable spiritual truths here, I say to God, I must test this and make sure that my theology does not err. God affirms that I must test all that I learn against the scriptures, but He also chuckles and says, "daughter, you will believe and accept what I tell you is true, then it is good and right for you to search out the truth of it in my Word." Many times, He teaches me directly through His Word first, but sometimes He has just said, "this is true and of my spirit... believe, and I will prove it to you." He has gently shown me how much I rely on my own mind to filter truth. It is true that God has given me a mind to reason with and a discerning spirit by which to recognize His truth, but it is also true that my preconceptions would seek to deny what God clearly tells me is His truth. Don't worry, I am earnestly seeking the scriptures, and the things I am speaking of are in no way contradictory to the gospel, rather they are just uncomfortable for me... things such as worship styles, praying with spiritual authority, sermon styles, and praying for healing, etc. God is just in the process of knocking down some of my abundant intellectual pride. Thank goodness! :) 

There is so much more on my mind to write, but it's time for me to go, and I feel bad for you having to read my ramblings for so long. Know that the Lord is blessing me with friendships and revelations of truth about myself and His kingdom on this earth. He is knitting me into this community and revealing His purposes for bringing me here... one being to show me more fully who He made me to be and bring me into the fullness of it. I am taking this wonderful class that I am sure I will have more to say about in a later post. Also, the Lord is teaching me about the power and authority we have in prayer. Today, He brought me to 1 John 5:14-15. "And this is the confidence that we have toward him, that if we ask anything according to his will he hears us. And if we know that he hears use in whatever we ask, we know that we have the requests that we have asked him." What confidence He has given us! I have asked the Lord to give me all of these gifts of humility, joy, etc.., I know it is His desire to give me these good things... and so it is done. Period. What a way to live! Alright, that's all for now. Thanks for reading. Love, me. :)